I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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