It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
