Soap is not a condiment
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
