If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
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