oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
