Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize