I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
