I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
