my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
