I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
