I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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