Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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