True but thats because hes a fetus.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
