Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
