I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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