Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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