I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
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We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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