soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
