I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
