shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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