I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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