i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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