there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
