she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
