i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
