This dress was meant to end up on your floor
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
