I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
