i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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