My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
