sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
