yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
