I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
