Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
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Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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