He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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