Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
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Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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