Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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