If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
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Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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