I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize