When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
