Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
