just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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