fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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