Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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