You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
