A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This is the high leading the old right now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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