i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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