i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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