my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
