i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
