Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
