Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
