you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
