i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
