my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
