i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
