Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
