Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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