He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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