how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
