What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
