If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
